Wow...

...I love those "aha" moments.  The moments where years worth of clues come together and a long missing piece of the puzzle finally fits.  Or is finally seen.  My journey has been amazing, and so full of opportunities for growth...I am in awe of it.  The past 6 weeks, between school and the lessons learned in that process, working toward reclaiming my power, realizing what resentments are still buried deep within me and letting them go, forgiving myself and others, learning so much about me, and opening my heart...things have been very busy internally.  But the realization I made today was perhaps one of the most incredible to me.  Sad yet amazing all at the same time.  The piece I was missing and desperately needed to move along the process of opening my heart center, which affects so many areas of my life.  Through a process I won't go into, because I cannot tell a short story, I realized that, at 37 years old, I have spent about half of my life, some 19 years, not allowing myself to feel the love I have been given.  Mostly in relationships.  I know that at some point, I must've allowed myself to feel the love my son has for me but I am not quite sure when I shut that out.  My family?  I am not sure about that, I need to dig a little deeper there.  My friends?  I am not sure about that either but I would say that I don't think I do allow it in.  Relationships, not since I was 18 years old.  And then only for a moment a couple of weeks ago and it didn't really hit me fully until today that that's what I felt.  How incredibly sad is that, to go 19 years of my life without allowing myself to feel love from people.  And it's not that people didn't try.  And I know in my head that they loved me but I would not allow it in my heart.  Wouldn't allow myself to feel it.  The focus was always on the fact that I loved them and in giving that love to them and making sure they knew and felt that I loved them.  And I wanted to be loved but when they'd say it, I did not know how to handle it.  I was so used to being the one that did the loving that if someone loved me back, I didn't know what to do with that.  I didn't even want to think about it.  I remember when one boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time.  Do you know what I said?  I said, "you do???"  I was so shocked by it that I actually responded in that way.  I can love you but if you love me back I might run scared for the hills.  And another thing I realized tonight is that part of that is a control issue.  How crazy.  If I love you, I can control that but if you love me, I have no control over what you do with it.  And what if you take it away.  How sad.  I am aware that one of my defenses is that I tend to keep people at arms length because, "you could hurt me."  Which is something a child would say.  I have been taking steps to improve on that and allow people to get closer, but it never occurred to me that I wasn't allowing love in.  I give love so freely, I love the people in my life so again, I never would have thought...  And I have been actively working on opening my heart chakra because I have been aware that it is partially closed and out of balance and honestly, I don't want to be afraid anymore.  And thank my Higher Power and the Universe that I figured that out now because I have so much more life to live and now I can move toward changing that.  I can move toward allowing myself to receive love and to feel that love.  I can take steps towards embracing all of it and truly living.  You have to be able to receive that which you give, it is the spiritual law, and the universal law, of giving and receiving.  And as I wrote in my journal about it tonight and as I'm writing this, all of these clues and signs I've been given over the years, pointing me in this direction, are starting to pop into my head...all of these "aha's" and "oh my gosh, that's what that meant."  I am starting to see things more and more clearly.  How amazing!  I am still processing it.  And I am sure I will have a lot more to write on this subject as I sort through the wreckage and sculpt something amazing from it.  So very grateful that my inner guidance, my higher self, my higher power pointed me in this direction today.  So grateful.  I am going to continue processing this.  All I know right now is that it is so important to give love and to receive it.  Don't let another second go by with your heart closed up.  Do whatever it takes.  Take whatever steps are necessary to open it up.  Sure, I might get hurt...I have been hurt plenty of times but I would live all of that pain again because love, in any form, is so worth it.  It's what we are here in Earth School to learn, how to give and receive love.  So I embark upon yet another journey, the journey of figuring out how to open myself up and let it flow in because it has been stuck on "out" for so very long.  This journey, like all of the others I have been and am on, starts with a single step.  Today, my step was the realization of it all.  I am not sure what my step will be tomorrow but I will take it with courage and the knowing that it will be an opportunity for spiritual growth and for the evolution of my consciousness.  And I know that I will be guided by Divine forces through it all.  With infinite love and gratitude, I am off on my journey...