Wow...

...I love those "aha" moments.  The moments where years worth of clues come together and a long missing piece of the puzzle finally fits.  Or is finally seen.  My journey has been amazing, and so full of opportunities for growth...I am in awe of it.  The past 6 weeks, between school and the lessons learned in that process, working toward reclaiming my power, realizing what resentments are still buried deep within me and letting them go, forgiving myself and others, learning so much about me, and opening my heart...things have been very busy internally.  But the realization I made today was perhaps one of the most incredible to me.  Sad yet amazing all at the same time.  The piece I was missing and desperately needed to move along the process of opening my heart center, which affects so many areas of my life.  Through a process I won't go into, because I cannot tell a short story, I realized that, at 37 years old, I have spent about half of my life, some 19 years, not allowing myself to feel the love I have been given.  Mostly in relationships.  I know that at some point, I must've allowed myself to feel the love my son has for me but I am not quite sure when I shut that out.  My family?  I am not sure about that, I need to dig a little deeper there.  My friends?  I am not sure about that either but I would say that I don't think I do allow it in.  Relationships, not since I was 18 years old.  And then only for a moment a couple of weeks ago and it didn't really hit me fully until today that that's what I felt.  How incredibly sad is that, to go 19 years of my life without allowing myself to feel love from people.  And it's not that people didn't try.  And I know in my head that they loved me but I would not allow it in my heart.  Wouldn't allow myself to feel it.  The focus was always on the fact that I loved them and in giving that love to them and making sure they knew and felt that I loved them.  And I wanted to be loved but when they'd say it, I did not know how to handle it.  I was so used to being the one that did the loving that if someone loved me back, I didn't know what to do with that.  I didn't even want to think about it.  I remember when one boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time.  Do you know what I said?  I said, "you do???"  I was so shocked by it that I actually responded in that way.  I can love you but if you love me back I might run scared for the hills.  And another thing I realized tonight is that part of that is a control issue.  How crazy.  If I love you, I can control that but if you love me, I have no control over what you do with it.  And what if you take it away.  How sad.  I am aware that one of my defenses is that I tend to keep people at arms length because, "you could hurt me."  Which is something a child would say.  I have been taking steps to improve on that and allow people to get closer, but it never occurred to me that I wasn't allowing love in.  I give love so freely, I love the people in my life so again, I never would have thought...  And I have been actively working on opening my heart chakra because I have been aware that it is partially closed and out of balance and honestly, I don't want to be afraid anymore.  And thank my Higher Power and the Universe that I figured that out now because I have so much more life to live and now I can move toward changing that.  I can move toward allowing myself to receive love and to feel that love.  I can take steps towards embracing all of it and truly living.  You have to be able to receive that which you give, it is the spiritual law, and the universal law, of giving and receiving.  And as I wrote in my journal about it tonight and as I'm writing this, all of these clues and signs I've been given over the years, pointing me in this direction, are starting to pop into my head...all of these "aha's" and "oh my gosh, that's what that meant."  I am starting to see things more and more clearly.  How amazing!  I am still processing it.  And I am sure I will have a lot more to write on this subject as I sort through the wreckage and sculpt something amazing from it.  So very grateful that my inner guidance, my higher self, my higher power pointed me in this direction today.  So grateful.  I am going to continue processing this.  All I know right now is that it is so important to give love and to receive it.  Don't let another second go by with your heart closed up.  Do whatever it takes.  Take whatever steps are necessary to open it up.  Sure, I might get hurt...I have been hurt plenty of times but I would live all of that pain again because love, in any form, is so worth it.  It's what we are here in Earth School to learn, how to give and receive love.  So I embark upon yet another journey, the journey of figuring out how to open myself up and let it flow in because it has been stuck on "out" for so very long.  This journey, like all of the others I have been and am on, starts with a single step.  Today, my step was the realization of it all.  I am not sure what my step will be tomorrow but I will take it with courage and the knowing that it will be an opportunity for spiritual growth and for the evolution of my consciousness.  And I know that I will be guided by Divine forces through it all.  With infinite love and gratitude, I am off on my journey...

I no longer need to fit in...

The topic of "fitting in" came up the other day and it got me thinking (I know, you can see the smoke rising).  The basis of the topic was that in recovery we find a place we "fit in."  However, I haven't ever felt that connection to the program, it's a personal thing.  I started thinking about fitting in and how I spent my whole life feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere but desperately wanting to.  I was never comfortable enough in my own skin to fit in anywhere.  And when I was it depended on others opinions of me...if people liked me then I sort of fit in but if they didn't than there was something wrong with me.  Drugs and alcohol gave me the pseudo-comfort I thought I needed to fit in.  I thought they helped me to be comfortable in my own skin enough to feel like I belonged.  However, deep inside, I still didn't feel like I belonged because I knew that the mask I was showing the world wasn't me at all.  The truth was I only had this "idea" of who I was, I really had no clue.  I was just a scared little girl who was lost and wanted people to accept me for who I was.  Or so I thought.  True, I played out the "little girl lost" for most of my life but, I didn't so much want other people to accept me as much as I wanted to accept me.  That fear of not being accepted, liked, or loved was really a reflection of my internal world in which my spirit wanted me to wake up and see that I needed to accept, like, and love myself.  Once I no longer had the drugs and alcohol to hide behind and take comfort in, I had to face me.  I had to look at the illusion I had not only created, but also lost myself in.  I had to realize that all the self-induced drama, misery and chaos I constructed wasn't real.  None of it was, none of it is.  And what a blessing it has been to do that.  It's been 17 months now and how things have changed.  How far I've come from that scared little girl who just wanted to be enough.  How amazing to come to a place in which the good opinions of others matter less and less everyday.  To come to a place where I accept me, I love me, and I fit into me...that is truly a blessing.  I no longer need to fit in.  What was I trying to fit into anyway?  Other people's perceptions of who I "should" be?  And my perceptions of what I thought other people wanted me to be?  That's just too much work.  And it's also not a life, it's a miserable excuse for an existence.  Why should I allow other people to define my truth and tell me who I "should" or "shouldn't" be?  Why give anyone else that much power over me?  Behavior like that is just no longer acceptable to me.  Finally, I am accepting myself more and more everyday.  Do I do it perfectly? No.  I find myself doing things to get people to like me and then I catch myself and remind myself that things like that no longer serve my soul.  Situations like that are opportunities for me to see that behaviors like that just aren't me anymore.  They serve to make sure I'm learning that lesson.    And I finally feel like I am, slowly, one step at a time, embracing who I am becoming and it is perhaps one of the most exciting phases of my journey.  Realizing who I am always becoming and embracing not only who I am always becoming, but also my purpose.  Awakening to the realization that I no longer feel like I need to belong anywhere or fit in anywhere because I fit in deep inside of myself.  I am more and more comfortable in my own skin and I think that's one of the things I always wanted.  I can't quite express the excitement I'm feeling about this place I am in right now.  Continually shedding my attachments to the past.  Continually shifting my perceptions and leaving behind beliefs that no longer serve me.  Gracefully stepping into who I was created to be.  That seems to be the theme here lately, stepping into me.  Realizing that I am perfectly imperfect just the way I am, in every moment I'm becoming, in every breath of every moment I'm blessed with.  Knowing that I am loved by my Creator and the Universe as the perfectly imperfect being that I am.  And it's all okay.  And I fit perfectly into that.  

This is my moment...

This is my moment to shine...to step out from the shadows and into the light of who my soul wants me to be.  This is my moment to live my purpose...to bask in the glory of this beautiful life experience I have been gifted with.  This is my moment to live in the reality of my making, instead of the reality people talk of when the tell me, "you have to be realistic."  In my reality, there is love, peace, and serenity, just to name a few.  In my reality there is a field of pure potentiality in which infinite possibilities exist.  In my reality I believe anything is possible and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to, with the help of my Higher Self and the Universe.  In my reality, I'm learning more and more everyday to live in and trust my intuition.  In my reality, it's possible to get to a place where I choose love, as a conscious choice, in every situation.  In my reality, I don't have to conform to society's ideas of who I "should" or "should not" be.  In my reality, spiritual law is my focus and ego law is something I'm moving away from.  In my reality I can shoot, not just for the stars, but for galaxies human minds can't conceive of.  In my reality I can be the artist I was created to be, in whatever way the Universe wants me to be, and live in abundance and prosperity while doing so.  In my reality, it is possible to see the God, the Universe, the whatever you wish to call it,  in all living beings.  In my reality, sickness does not have to exist if my body is in balance.  In my reality I can learn to harmonize my emotions and keep my body in balance.  In my reality, I'm glad people are who they are so that even on the rare occasion I'm bothered by someone, I know to look inside of myself and they've given me the gift of growth and an opportunity to practice patience, love, acceptance, tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness.  In my reality I can flow with life, instead of getting stuck in the weeds of obstacles.  In my reality, everything, every situation, every person I encounter, every experience is a chance for spiritual growth and the evolution of my consciousness.  In my reality, happiness is a choice I can make everyday.  In my reality, God is in me and I am in God...I am God...we all are.  In my reality that connection is there all the time because it exists within me.  In my reality we co-create our experience with the divine.  In my reality, we can attract what we need into our lives.  In my reality I know where I am and I don't need your approval to be there.  In my reality, I decide what my truth is.  And so that's the experience I have.  So you see, when you tell me that I have to be "realistic," what you don't realize is that I am.  I am being realistic on the basis on MY reality, not yours.  And that's all that matters.  Because in your reality, you are stuck in limits.  You believe that you get sick.  You believe that life sucks.  You believe that people have to do things your way.  You believe that every challenge is the Universe poking it's finger in your chest, trying to knock you down.  You ignore your intuition and wonder why things aren't working out in your life.  In your reality you choose to be stuck in the misery you've constructed and you refuse to accept that you've created it.  In your reality, things exist outside of you instead of within you.  And so that's the experience you have.  I've lived there, so I know.  Once upon a time I chose that reality and it was dark and depressing and miserable.  And that's okay for you, you can choose to be there.  I chose not to.  You choose limits and I choose possibilities.  So thank you, to those of you who say, "you have to be realistic" because you've given me an opportunity to truly look at my reality and see how beautiful and amazing it is.  You've given me an opportunity to express gratitude that I live in my reality and not yours.  I want to live in a reality where I allow people to be who they are, including you, accepting that everyone has their own path.  I don't want to live in a reality where I feel compelled to tell anyone to "be realistic."  That's not my job.  So, you see, I am being realistic, in the blessings and beauty of my self-constructed reality, that's always evolving, always becoming...and I LOVE it here!  So you can go be realistic in your reality and I wish you all of the best.  And if you ever want a vacation from the misery, I'll rent you a day in my reality, free of charge.  For I live in the Wonderland of Alice, and I think I'm going to stay...there is beauty in each and every breath of my reality...where Spirit and the Universe are always showing me the way...

So I take one more step out of the shadows and into the light...

...where people can see me. Yikes!  Scary stuff!  Honestly, it's not as scary as it used to be for me, I'm learning how to be comfortable with it.  I feel like I came out of the intuitive, metaphysical, six sensory closet yesterday.  There are people who know about my spirituality, what I believe, all that kind of stuff but I haven't really gone in depth with it to my counselor.  That is, until yesterday.  It was interesting.  That's what she said.  For me, it was totally freeing and I left my talk with her feeling lighter.  As if I could almost fly.  I told her that psychology just isn't for me and that I'm not going to continue on to get my degree in it.  She was pretty surprised but hey, so was I when I realized it.  One of the things I love about myself is that I'm not content with what shows up on the surface of myself.  I'm not content with just realizing I don't want to go into Psychology, I dig deeper because, as far as I know and as far as experience tells me, it always goes deeper.  So I had this big conversation with myself yesterday...yes, I said myself.  Yes I talk to myself and yes sometimes I even answer but I'm okay with it.  So, as I was saying, I was talking to myself about this whole thing yesterday and it occurred to me that I picked a profession that was "socially acceptable" because I'm not totally comfortable with that intuitive part of me.  I am and I'm not.  I think the part that makes me uncomfortable is knowing what the stereotypes are.  Which surprises me because I'm not a girl who puts any stock in stereotypes or even cares all that much about what people think.  So what does that tell me, that it's not about what other people think, it's about what I think and believe.  That's the issue.  Same thing with my creativity.  I've allowed myself to get attached the the beliefs of some that say "artist's can't make money."  What a load of crap that is.  Vera Wang is an artist and look at her.  There are so many of them out there that make more than a decent living doing it.  And again, it's all about what I believe.  So more work needs to be done on those false beliefs and I'm so glad I realized that because my life is waiting for me to catch up to it.  So back to the socially acceptable career thing...it was as if I was thinking that if it was socially acceptable, that would add a certain validity to it.  That's a bunch of baloney and I know it.  Spirit does as well.  And so does the Universe.  Now it's true that I've realized that I hide behind my intellect at times and I've also realized that it's a cop out.  You won't see me behind my straight A's and all the "information" I've learned.  Ego is of the intellect so my ego decided to hold on for dear life because if I fully move in to six sensory living, my ego won't have much to do anymore and it'll get bored.  Oh well, it'll get over it.  I also realized that this whole school business has just been an effort for me to control things.  That was an "aha" moment for sure.  I didn't even realize I was doing that because I'm a very "go with the flow" kind of girl.  Love learning things about myself because it gives me an opportunity to change those things that no longer serve me and grow.  Love growth.  I'm rambling now but the jist of it all is that I don't belong in the world of intellect and science, it's just not who I am.  I belong in the realm of spirit and intuition and peace and love.  My soul has known that this whole time and has been waiting for me to catch up to it.  I've been getting signs all along but I didn't have by glasses on so I couldn't really read them.  Either that or I'm just slow sometimes.  It's a process.  A beautiful brilliant process.  I'm no longer willing to deny who I am and who my soul needs to be.  No longer willing to hide in the fear of the shadows afraid that people see me. I spent far too long in the darkness, and have worked far too hard to get to where I am to allow behavior like that from myself.  It's no longer acceptable to be "socially acceptable."  I'm sure I'll face resistance, I've already felt it from some.  But honestly, if people don't like who I am, they can call their sponsor.  Or some else who cares about their opinion about it.  I just know that's not me.  We're all hear to share our unique gifts and talents with the world and that includes me.  This is who I was created by the Universe to be, who am I to dispute that?  And why would I?  When you align with your purpose, it works out and things flow and the Universe supports you.  I've experienced it.  So onward I forge on this path I'm creating for myself.  Pulling weeds, stepping over branches, occasionally tripping (I'm not the most graceful creature) but I know I will always wind up exactly where I'm supposed to be.  And I will enjoy every step of the journey, dancing, skipping and singing all the way...

Psychology just isn't for me...

...sometimes you have to take steps on the wrong path to realize that it isn't right for you.  And truly, there is no wrong path, there are just opportunities for growth.  That's really what life is, a string of opportunities for growth.  And I get that it can be difficult to see things that way when it seems that life is throwing obstacles at you left and right.  However, if you shift your perspective and look at the possibility that perhaps you are getting those obstacles because you are on a path that isn't right for you, or perhaps your beliefs and fears have attracted these situations to you?  Possibilities...truly blessings in life.  It's all in how you look at it and it really is possible to shift your perspective and see things in that new way.  I know because I've done it and I'm not the only one.  So Psychology...hmmm.  There's nothing wrong with psychology, there are numerous people who receive the benefits of people in that field, myself included.  But...ah yes the but...psychology ignores the soul and that's not okay for me.  My Spirituality tells me that the soul and all matters of the soul and spiritual law and the laws of the universe can not be ignored.  Yes, I still want to help people heal...it's just that psychology isn't the path that's going to take me there.  And that's okay.  And the next step is for me to own that and remember that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about that, after all, it doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks of any other area of my life.  It feels right for me, the realm of the spiritual...intuition...healing...soul contracts...expecting and bringing in the absolute best in life.  That's the realm of helping people heal that I belong in.  So I will let my Higher Self guide me and see where that leads me knowing, every step of the way, that I will be guided, loved and taken care of, and that every road leads me to exactly where I'm supposed to be.  The beauty is that even though I've taken some steps on a path that isn't right for me, it's still exactly where I'm supposed to be.  My whole life has been that way.  Even my road through the darkness of addiction...if I hadn't traveled that road, I wouldn't be where I am or who I am becoming.  And since I love where I am and who I am becoming, I took the exact road I was supposed to.  So try and shift your perspective.  Try and look at things from the perspective of your soul and what you are here to learn.  We are all here on Earth school to learn...to grow our spirituality...to evolve our consciousness...to expand our awareness.  Wayne Dyer says, "When you change way you look at things, the things that you look at change."  Life is a beautifully blissful experience.  We can choose to be awe-struck by it or, we can choose to label it as awful and allow ourselves to be struck down by it.  Which will you choose today?

happy (belated) birthday to me...

Yesterday I celebrated my 37th birthday.  Yay me!!!  I've always loved my birthday.  I'm like a big kid, running around letting everyone know that it's my day.  What's interesting is that, although I love telling everyone it's my birthday, I'm not always very comfortable with the attention it I get on my birthday.  Is that ironic?  When people ask me, "what do you want?"  I have a hard time answering.  Even when my mom asked me what I wanted for dinner and what kind of cake I wanted, I couldn't answer.  In my head I knew what I wanted but I couldn't say it.  Asking for what I want.  What a concept right?  I'm working through it.  It's one of those issues that seems to have many layers.  And I think I hit it yesterday when I told someone that it's hard for me to ask for what I want and that I think it's because somewhere inside, I don't think I deserve it.  It feels strange to even say that now.  In the past I can see how I felt that way, I was a different person then and didn't think I deserved much of anything positive.  I know better now.  But still, there is that tiny part of me that feels like what I want isn't important.  I'm open to working through that.  The best thing to do is to accept that it's there, whether I think it's a valid thought or not.  After I accept it, I can open myself to learning the lessons it's here to teach me.  I can trace that string back and see where it originated from and why I'm still attached to it.  I think it's also important for me to learn to identify what I want in a situation.  Do I even know what I want?  That's pretty important, identifying what you do and do not want.  For me, I need to step outside the emotion of it all for a moment and look at the truth of it.  Does it even make sense to feel this way about it?  I'm no longer a person that wishes to stay stuck in things because faith tells me I don't have to.  With the help of my higher power, I have worked through so many things and I embrace the opportunity to continue to do so.  It's ok to ask for what I want.  And I will take the necessary steps through figuring out how to do that.  I no longer wish to hold on to any false belief that will limit me because I know there is no limit.  The only limits people have are the ones we impose upon ourselves.  There is a liberation is that realization.  What false belief can you walk through and let go of today?

There is beauty in the breath of this moment...

There is beauty in the breath of this moment,
How often are we truly here?
Right here,
Lost in the stillness
Bathed in the silence,
Beyond the racing thoughts of yesterday
And the worries of tomorrow.
Right here,
In this very second
Where the energy of life
Is pumping through our bodies,
Lighting up our Spirits
In every living thing are we
As we are in every living thing.
Not separate,
But intricately woven
From the same Spiritual fabric.
Right here
In this moment
In this breath
Where beauty lies.
-Tia C. Wahl